I achieved a milestone on my latest trip to SE Asia, I became a 1K member in my “preferred carrier’s” frequent flyer program.  Even if they send the obligatory “Congratulations!” letter, I won’t get to read it for the next couple weeks because this is a long trip.  But that doesn’t stop me from imagining what the letter might say.  I think it will probably be something like this:

Dear Mr. Bob,

Congratulations on becoming a 1K member in our frequent flyer program! First, lets us say that we apologize for the name. We realize that 1K really means “1,000” and not “100,000.” This is a marketing ploy to make this status level seem more achievable.

Second, let us state for the record that you must be a hearty soul.  If you are reading this letter (and not your executor), you have avoided an ever increasing host of airborne pathogens that we keep in our planes, ranging from the common cold to such exotics as SARS and Tuberculosis.  Yes, we have a policy that states we will not let you fly while you are sick, but we don’t ever enforce it.  That would eat into already waning profits, would make use enormously unpopular, and would really mess up our scheduling programs.

Finally, let us be the first to offer our condolences on the status of your relationships with family and friends. On a positive note, just think of all the chatty relationships you have developed with your seatmates during those 16 hour international flights.  For 16 hours, you can be anyone you want to be because you will never see your seatmate(s) again!Some privileges you will enjoy with your new status:

1. You will get to board future flights with only 25% of your fellow passengers.  No more waiting in line with the other 75% of the travelers who, apparently, are all part of our other frequent flyer programs.  **NOTE:  We are currently investigating the phenomenon of 100% of the passengers claiming to be a frequent flyer and the fact that 25% of the passengers always claim to be in First Class.
2. You will receive two bags of peanuts during domestic flights (please show your membership card when requesting the second bag).
3. We will send you even more unsolicited credit card applications in the mail and we will kindly submit your name to our growing list of partners. Now, even your family pets are eligible to receive a credit card (and 20,000 frequent flyer miles!).  The double-upside: When you get home from your travels, you will have plenty to read.
4. You will receive more spam in your email from us and our partners, but we will make it look like something you better read or risk loosing your status. We will also send you lots of emails to allow you to claim your “rewards.”  After flying 100,000 miles, you deserve a magazine subscription!

Some privileges you won’t enjoy with your new status:

1. Courteous treatment on domestic flights, or return flights to the USA for international travel.
2. Courteous treatment at international security checkpoints by TSA agents (i.e. LAX).  We have no control over them.
3. Departing on time.
4. Arriving on time.

Again, congratulations!  We look forward to delaying you sometime in the very near future.

The Airline

I can hardly wait…

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